Well, I hardly know where to start! What an amazing, wonderful, supportive bunch you are. On Wednesday I moaned my little heart out and the response from this dear site completely bowled me over. So many brilliant suggestions flooded onto the page that today I can honestly say I feel a weight has been lifted. I cannot thank you all enough. I have read, thought about and taken on board all you have said and this morning feel more like Pipany than I have for a long while. And so to action! No more the wallowing (which makes me feel worse anyway); on to the lists (well, I am a list kinda gal) and forth into positivity!
Here are the things I have decided to take from your comments, adding and embellishing as feels right for me:
Step 1 - Each day write a list with these headings (How was I such a crap teacher?!)- General - for normal jobs that have to be done (keep small!)
Me - Put three things on it that will be purely for me (candlelit bath, see a friend, etc) and try to do at least one. Achievements - three things that I keep trying to do but never manage, however small (might be painting a door or baking a cake) Kids - One special thing to take away the guilt of not giving time (might be going to the park or chatting with one on their own). I do this anyway but it will make me appreciate just what I do with them! Dave - Something nice each day (send a card to work for him to find in his pigeon-hole, run a candlelit bath, etc). Again, we are both quite good at this (particularly Dave) but tiredness etches its way into each day and we sometimes forget. At the end of each day, write down what I liked about the day and b*****r the rest!
Well, it works for me! Yesterday I felt as though I had been let off the hook and decided to stop beating myself up about things. Isabella and I met up with a friend, went for a beautiful walk through Penjerrick (such a beautiful name) and swapped plants. Perfect. After collecting Lucy from school, we visited Granny for tea and cakes followed by a trip to buy the makings of a special meal for me and Dave - antipasto for starters involving all sorts of piquant, tasty foods to be eaten as finger food (love the feel of squishy spiced peppers and juicy olives dribbling through my fingers) and a rich paella for after. It was supposed to be a surprise as he had yet another meeting which meant he wouldn't be home till late, but we arrived back to find him on the sofa as the meeting was cancelled and so he played cards with Lucy at the kitchen table, chatting away as I cooked. Later I checked my emails to find he had sent me one from work with only the simple words, "I love you." Life's not so bad really, is it?
So once again, thank you Purple People. I suppose I knew what I needed to do but reading all your suggestions and supportive words gave me some clarity which I had been unable to find. I still don't have a clue what direction I am heading in, but it doesn't matter as I am heading somewhere! For once the Fates, the gods or god himself can decide!
And to end, a wonderful bit from the lovely UPL which I think is relevant to all of us sometimes and was a brilliant thing for me to do - when it all gets to much, just say this out (to your God, whoever that may be)..."Ok, I am here. You take over because I'm knackered and no longer have any idea what I'm doing."
Brilliant! Have a lovely day all x